Which Do You Prefer: To Be Right or Happy?

By Peter Winslow -

Lately, I’ve become all too aware that I’m very fond of being right. As I pondered the premise, a real poser fell into my lap. What if there is no wrong? What if everything serves in some way?

There are well-established philosophies in the world that maintain no moral high-ground for the concepts of “right” and “wrong.” They simply regard life as a procession of action and consequence. It’s called karma, and it’s a very strong guiding influence. In the West, an urban poet once gave credence to the notion in expressing “If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.”

Why do so many people stake their happiness, if not their very sanity, on the need to be right? It’s a circuitous quest, considering that righteousness can be a moving target. Very often, what was right before may be left behind later on.

It was once considered proper to own human beings, until enough people deemed it no longer right to do so. The argument split our country in two, leading a nation to war against itself. Many on both sides of the issue met their ends believing they were right.

What aspect of humanity so fervently feels the need to be right, even in the face of death and devastation?

The critical thinking mind, called ego, is the aspect that pursues its rights and wrongs with reckless abandon. It frequently carries the unmitigated need to establish support for its beliefs, impress those beliefs upon others, and ultimately have them capitulate in agreement.

And yet, we’ve all witnessed people who are never flustered when others disagree with them. They make a distinction between authenticity and ego, making the choice to be happy. Happy with what? These people have chosen to be happy with who they really are. It follows that their egos are in alignment with the deeper aspect that observes without judgment from beyond the fray.

It makes sense when you realize that ego always wants to be right. It has to believe what it thinks is right, and no personality can be at rest with itself when it thinks the beliefs it lives by are wrong.

Conversely, the authentic self doesn’t cling to being “right.” It’s indefensible; it has nothing to defend. It resonates with being happy and at peace instead of being right.

Ego takes things personally, but to the core essence, the authentic self, nothing is personal. Initially, this can be a tedious distinction, but pay it your earnest attention and it becomes clear; in fact it’s simple. You want to pay attention, because this concept can change your life (and your health) for the better in many ways.

The next time you find yourself baited into an argument with a stubborn opponent, take the opportunity and put it to the test. Even if your ego is tying itself in knots over the issue, from the perspective of the true self, this exercise is liberating.

Do this: With sincerity, tell the person confronting you with an argument that they’re right, even if you’re sure that’s not the case. Remember, you are addressing their ego, which wants to be right. By agreeing with them, you will immediately take the wind out of their argument and defuse a potentially volatile situation. They may not even know how to respond to you, and the solution you seek will be easier to find.

The payoff: When people disagree with you, realize they’re not opposing the true you; they’re differing with the beliefs and constructs of your ego. By making a distinction, you essentially change the game. The solutions you seek are always near at hand when you make space for the authentic self to shine in the face of your challenges.

Peter Winslow, DcH is a Life Coach and Counselor. He connects his clients to their inner power for life changing results. He offers services, products and information for optimal health, happiness and personal enlightenment. What a difference the right voice can make in your life. Take an empowering journey with a free guided meditation mp3 by Peter Winslow at http://www.trueinnerbeauty.com.

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Would You Rather Be Right or Happy?

By Irene Conlan -

Would you rather be right or happy? This is a questions many counselors ask on a rather frequent basis with their clients and sometimes the answers are surprising. Some people MUST be right all the time and would rather be miserable, isolated and alone than admit someone else might be right. It’s “My way or the highway.” If I’m 100% right and you don’t agree with me, then you’re 100% wrong. Right? Not necessarily. There are always at least two sides to every issue and sometimes more. In politics, for example, there are Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Independent and a smattering of little parties that want to make a point. Each has valid issues and each takes valid stands. So who’s right? Of course, I think my party is but when the votes are cast I live with the results – even if they weren’t my choice. It doesn’t make me wrong, it just means I’m outvoted.

In art there is Impressionism, Cubism, Realism, Abstract, Baroque and so on. So if I have a passion for Monet and you love Picasso, which one of us is right? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all. If I say I like Monet, does that make you wrong for linking Picasso? Actually, perhaps we can enjoy them both.

And music? I detest Rap music, acid rock and anything that is loud, bangy, crude and obscene. I love classical, semi-classical, smooth jazz, New Age, nice melodies and words I can understand. But that doesn’t make those in my family that like their music loud and sad wrong. We just have different taste for music. and can allow for those differences. Sometimes beauty is in the ear of the listener.

What if I love the mountains and you love the beach? Which one of us is wrong? Can we do both?

What if I’m a vegetarian and you love meat. Which of us is wrong?

What if I love to read and you love numbers? Which of us is wrong.

What if we see the same movie and I saw it one way and you saw it another? Is there room for two opinions or is your opinion the only one that can be right?

You get the idea. Unless I’m wrong, of course.

We, as humans, have free will. We can choose. Or NOT choose. I have free will, you have free will, Aunt Mabel has free will, Uncle George has free will – we each get to choose. And we bring everything we know and have learned from books and experience to that choice. We make the best decision and best choice we can with the awareness we have at that moment. In five minutes our awareness may change, but right now, I’m doing the best I can – and so are you.

But here’s the rub. If I don’t like myself much, then your telling me that you like the Beatles when I prefer Chopin in someway, in my mind, makes me wrong. Your disagreeing with my choice of a political party and their candidate, puts me on tilt. I can’t stand to be wrong. If you insist on buying something that isn’t what I like, then I will explode so you’ll back off. It’s one more blow to my self esteem and my self-esteem has had all the blows it can handle. So as a defense, I put up my guard and make myself right – all the time. I’ll pout or explode or give you the silent treatment – whatever it takes for you to see it my way and affirm that I am right – as usual.

This may be good for your self esteem for the moment but it will destroy your life in the long run. It’s an example of winning the battle and loosing the war.

If this is you, then what can you do about it?

A starting place is to be a witness of your own behavior. Be aware of why you are reacting so vehemently to someone who disagrees with you. Who is right? Can both of you be right? Because they disagree, does that really make you wrong? Are you reacting from childhood experiences? Did one parent always have to be right and you were never allowed to disagree? Did you have an older sibling who put you down no matter what you said? Did other kids laugh at you because you didn’t agree with their stance? Well, guess what? You’re all grown up now and that is in the past.

Living in the past or bringing the hurts of the past to live in the present is a sure-fire way to retain low self esteem. Live in the now. Know who you are now. Know what you believe now.

So what DO you believe now? Do you know or do you just react? Have you thought it through? Are you reacting on the basis you what your parents told you, by God, is what you’re going to believe whether you want to or not? If you are allowed to have your own beliefs, aren’t others allowed to have theirs as well? Who has absolute hold on absolute truth?

Relax. It’s o.k. to win some and lose some.

Learn to enjoy yourself – warts and all. Laugh at your mistakes (if you can allow yourself to make them).

Ask yourself: Is this issue big enough to explode over? What really matters here? “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” is a valid reminder that perhaps love and friendship is more important than being right. Give and take. Balance is the key.

So if you’re right but you’re all alone because you’ve pushed everyone away – are you happy?

So I ask again, “Would you rather be right or happy?” It’s your choice.

About: Dr. Irene:
Irene Conlan has a master's degree in nursing, with a major in nursing administration and a minor in psychiatric nursing. She taught nursing at Arizona State University, served as Director of Nursing Administration at St. Luke's Hospital and Medical Center in Phoenix and served as Assistant Director of the Arizona Department of Health Services for the Division of Health Care Facilities and Emergency Medical Services. She is also a certified hypnotherapist with a practice in Scottsdale, AZ. She is an avid blogger and manages http://www.theselfimprovementblog.com/http://www.theselfesteemblog.com/ http://www.thepositivepsychologyblog/ Irene lives in Scottsdale AZ and has two sons and three grandsons.

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